We do not make love anymore: are we still a couple? : The epoch brings us to it: the essential thing in the couple is to have a full-blown sexuality. Do not enjoy the other sign with the other end of the contract?
For twenty years, morals in matters of sex have more than evolved, they have shattered. In the street, on our screens, the message is explicit: “If you do not enjoy it, it is wrong! “. Finished this good idea which, for a long time, protected the marital bond by pushing us to “compose” with the other, even in the case of abstinence. Today, the “long-lasting passion couple” has become a collective fantasy. “Even the most traditional households no longer exclude separation if their union does not meet the requirement of orgasm at all costs …”, Explains Philippe Brenot, psychiatrist, and therapist. However, this pressure is not without devastation. Crushed by the norm, difficult not to question: when, at home, desire no longer flows with the same fluidity as before, Does this imply an assessment? Specialist’s replies.
* Author of “Women, sex, and love. 3,000 women testify.”
Over time, desire has turned into an affection
No reason to doubt it: love has not deserted your household. On the contrary: over the years, it has even strengthened. In the street, he/she always hands you the hand. In bed, you still squeeze against each other … He/she is irreplaceable. Even if, on the sex side, it is no longer party. As if desire had changed into deep affection …
Why is it blocking? “This situation, very frequent, reminds us how the couple has long been built on bases other than sex,” comments Dr. Brenot. Until the mid-90s, the love bond still encouraged children, and then invested his family without worrying about the attenuation of erotic intimacy. It was admitted: we still knew how to dissociate sexuality, love, and reproduction. It is logical that twenty years later, many of us feel a little lost in the face of the new norms, and at the same time wonder about their “normality.” ”
Tip: Stop doubting, you are probably right. “Long-term passion is an impossible bet unless you are aware of it, and so you can do everything possible to keep your desire alive,” says Dr. Brenot. So keep inventing for two. Be ignore this very contemporary terrorism on our sexuality. Spend even more time together. Especially since neither tenderness nor respect has ever excluded the return of flame …
What we have built we amply justify
It is a fact, you remember: together, you made love, once. However, since you have invested elsewhere: children, home, holidays, shopping … Moreover, then, all these trials crossed together. That is what you have in common. Moreover, that is already a lot!
Why is it blocking? If the conjugal bond tends to become deserted, the fact of not having tender gestures, and even of avoiding them, is often the sign of a damaged couple. “As if each spouse was a mere piece of the decor,” says the specialist. Severe, therefore, to reduce the distance that tends to impose itself. ”
One advice: of course that over the years, the sexuality of a couple evolves, passes through difficulties, but that does not prevent to build. That is true. However, have you wondered recently if you were sufficiently attentive to your partner? Since when did he not tell you what he felt? Did you ask him if you missed him? So, you, dare. You might be surprised …
I do not want to feel like …
What are you drunk with? The benefits of sex that is praised on all the roofs … You are the proof: one can live entirely without wanting. Even when living as a couple. There are so many other sources of festivities in life: a good meal, a sports session, professional recognition …
Why is it blocking? A couple can take distance on the physical plane, but also emotional. “In many women, this disinvestment is often defensive: they move away because the conditions of love are no longer met,” says the psychiatrist. If only their partner listened to them and spoke to them, they would probably make an effort. However, given his state of mind, frankly, why motivate him?
A tip: difficult to explain to a man who does not want to hear, but tries. “No, female sexuality does not work like male sexuality,” says Dr. Brenot. It is not “reflex,” but, on the contrary, sensitive to the conditions and intentions of the other. So a woman often needs to feel loved so that the excitement can rise … “He has trouble grasping? What if you proposed to consult?
His lack of desire makes us strangers
It is unbearable. Culpability. Of course, you want to reconcile, deep kisses and chills, like in the movies. However, he, on his side, no longer tries anything. Even in a nightie, no way to turn it on.
Why ? You are convinced: “Regarding sex, men have needs!”. If he no longer solicits you, it is therefore that you do not envy … “Women often imagine that, on the male side, desire and love are always intertwined. This is false, retorts the specialist. Thus, half of the men aged 50 and over admit to encountering, sometimes or frequently, sexual difficulties. However, they have no amorous failings: they are most often physiological or psychic (depression, stress, anxiety …) ”
One tip: do not wait anymore. Before you completely lose confidence in yourself, try to understand and dare to make your concern worry. Moreover, do not forget: “Sexuality is lifelong learning,” concludes the psychiatrist. If it allows learning about oneself, it also invites to take into account the codes of the other “. Since you love him, take the time to listen.
Under the influence of pornography
If some couples use it to spice up their antics, it is becoming more and more frequent that pornography weighs on marital sexuality. Logic: “If the investigations prove that sites X create more and more addictions in men, they also show that women, they, are still not there …”, Explains psychiatrist Philippe Brenot. Hence the shift: people deplore the fact that in reality, they do not find the same excitement as that generated by porn movies when women start to worry: “Am I too stuck? “Problem:” On both sides, this can obviously help to alleviate the conjugal desire, “says the specialist. The air of nothing that we say it …