Expert advice: how to find the soul mate?
How can we know if it is the good, the only, the only one? Here are answers from two Canadian human relations experts. We invite you to share your thoughts with us.
I am in my thirties, and I go out with a great guy, but I am not sure he is the man of my life. I do not want to be fixed until I meet the soul mate. Am I too difficult?
Answer by Dale Curd:
The man of your dreams, the one who releases your potential, or who thanks to his deep and penetrating love will awaken you from your long sleep, comes straight out of a fairytale. The quest for the soul mate is in the fact that of the child we carry within us and who seeks the unconditional and benevolent love of a being who grasps it intuitively. If it is true that deep love is possible, the belief that it can be experienced only for one and the same person is a vast illusion.
Relations do not happen spontaneously; We must work hard. In fact, it may be the most difficult job we have ever done. To enter into contact with another person, especially from love, requires lots of courage and perseverance because one has to face all his fears and the issues associated with loving and being loved. Becoming someone’s soul mate is a choice that requires one to be ready to love another person deeply and to open oneself to one’s love fully.
Therefore, one can not speak of fixing oneself. This word has little place in such a context. Moreover, I certainly would not want to be in touch with anyone if I was not ready to love him deeply and wholly or if I had the feeling of not being loved just as much in return. Really, what’s the point?
We are currently witnessing a real pandemic of love disaffection which is explained by the fact that couples do not know why they are together. Too many people waste their time and energy to preserve a relationship without knowing what they have in common. The relationship is not an antidote to solitude, and it is not something that one can undertake without committing all of one’s being to it. To develop and deepen a romantic relationship with someone, I must be able to answer the following questions:
1. How do I contribute to the relationship? What do I bring good (attachment, interest, support) and problematic (jealousy, insecurity)?
2. Am I willing to enter into a relationship? In other words, am I willing to commit myself to it with all my being?
3. Do I love, respect and trust this person and, conversely, love me, respect me and trust me?
You and your partner have the entire responsibility to create a deep and loving bond. You must both be ready to face the challenges of an intimate relationship and enjoy the joys. What will make you sensitive souls is your mutual will to give yourself completely to the other.
Answer from Cheryl Fraser:
I sometimes think that women should take collective action against those who produce fairy tale-inspired films. Stories of princesses have fed generations of little girls and continue, as an adult, to believe that they will meet their prince charming. Any boy or man who does not fully match their dreams is pushed back into the frog pond.
Wake up, girls! There is nothing like a soul mate. No man lives up to the dream that many women maintain. This myth is rooted in our subconscious, influencing the image we have of the ideal partner.
I advise you to open your eyes. It may be that the perfect man is right in front of you. In any case, what does the term “soul mate” mean? It was Aristotle who first formulated it by the silly concept that the mind is divided into two halves that spend their lives seeking each other to come together and become one. Not very realistic, it seems.
Here is my advice to those looking for a life partner: make a list of “buy.” The results of studies indicate that people who are happy in love are those who share the same values and pursue the same goals, who cultivate communication and who are similar in many respects.
Make a list of all the qualities that the man of your life should possess. Then shorten it to keep only the first ten classes. These are the ones that are most important to you. Generosity could be one, or the fact that he wants to have children and be a loving father.
Stay realistic. The perfect man does not exist. It was created by writers and played by legendary actors who, in real life, are incapable themselves of living as a couple.
Then go out with men, many men, and try to discover those who possess seven or eight of the qualities required. Do not rely solely on the fact that current flows; If you are in love with a man, pay a good time, but do not forget that this irresistible attraction is the product of a hormonal cocktail of oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine, spiced with a good A dose of hope and fantasies. One day or another, it ends up passing. If what remains is these qualities that you had gathered on your list before endorphins intoxicated you, then you have the foundation of an extraordinary and lasting relationship.
These rules also apply to married women . If you are uncertain about your marriage and decide to establish your list, leave a little slack to your man. You might fall in love with him again ‘at least of the seven or eight qualities he has and which are on your list. Moreover, then, who knows, if you manage to liquidate the concept of a soul mate, you could save your relationship.
Dale Curd is an advisor and one of Canada’s leading experts on men’s issues; He has a private practice in Toronto and gives international lectures on the masculine condition and the specifically male point of view.
Ph.D., Cheryl Fraser practices psychology and sex therapy in Duncan, BC. She regularly gives a workshop on the couple.
What do you think? Do you have any advice to offer? Please let us know in the comments.