How to manage a couple of crisis: The couple is not a long quiet river. If he has already a few years behind him, the crisis can happen, but this is not necessarily the sign of an impending separation.

How to manage a couple of crisis
How to manage a couple of crisis

Different expectations

If in the beginning, the couple is one and looks in the same direction, the events and vagaries of life (child, house, work) make each one evolve differently.

Consequence: the desires and the projects are not necessarily the same over time … Especially since the beginning of a relationship, often under the sign of passion, erases all the aspects of the other that could be Disturbing. Except that once the ardor goes away, everyone wants to review his priorities …

The love lasts three years …

Love would be, according to Lucy Vincent, biologist and author of the book “How do we become in love? “, That a history of chemistry, displeasure lovers love …

The brain and body would be under endorphins for about three years from where this strong attachment to the other and the fiery characteristic the beginning of each relationship. After this time, the individual, having “accustomed” to the other, would resume the course of his life and would not produce as many endorphins vis-à-vis his partner …

A normal wear and tear …

After a few years, it is not abnormal that a routine takes place. While one is satisfied with his life as a couple and does not expect much, the other, on the occasion of a change of life ( retirement, the child leaving home, change of work), Wishes to give a new breath to his couple and will expect a lot.

It is generally because of this gap that the crisis takes place …

Keep in touch

Once the endorphins cease to be mass-produced, oxytocin, also known as the “hormone of attachment,” remains. We release oxytocin whenever we kiss the other; we make love to him, we hold his hand, or simply during a laugh or a civil discussion with him at the restaurant.

It is, therefore, essential, especially in times of crisis, to set up little rituals and to multiply the gestures marking his attachment to the other. If they are made spontaneously at the beginning of the relationship, they may ask for some effort with the passing time, but they are the ones that will keep the relationship going.

Talk about…

The first thing to do if disputes multiply, or if the long discussions have given way to a dark silence, it is to talk about it … If one of the two does not feel well in his couple, he must make the process of talking to each other, preferably in a neutral environment. This is not easy, for in general the other has seen nothing and took refuge in denial.

The communication work can only begin when there is an awareness of the two partners of a dysfunction in the couple. It is essential to try to find solutions … or not.

… But not to everyone

Speak to the chief interested person, yes, but to family and friends, it is better to avoid …

If we are already convinced that the outcome will be separation, speaking to relatives will prove to be very supportive. However, if the couple decides to give themselves another chance, it is necessary to know that this type of confidences leaves traces …

In a couple, governed by love, one loves oneself one hates oneself; one wants oneself, one is reconciled, on the other hand in “disproportionate” relations, objectivity is the only mistress on board, and the judgments can be legion. Thus, revealing the infidelity of his spouse to his mother can create in the latter an animosity towards him … a rancor that will remain even if the couple decides to stay united … which can add to his misunderstanding …

Moreover, no matter how

Communicating in times of crisis is the key to saving her defeated couple. However, there are many ways to communicate: to reproach others, for example, a mode of communication but not necessarily the right one …

The important thing is to communicate in a different way, to get out of the traditional patterns of discussion that are sterile and even aggravate the situation.

To do this, you must speak in the first person so as to avoid reproaches ( “I feel helpless” rather than “you never care for me” ), avoid over-interpretation and listen to the other.

Do a couple of therapy

If the mode of communication of a couple is mainly based on reproach and accusation, real poisons for the relationship, it is often difficult to get out.

This is why some couples who can no longer communicate in the right way call on a marriage counselor. It is a third person who, thanks to his objectivity and specific exercises, tries to establish a new mode of communication within the couple, based on respect and empathy, to clarify feelings. He is not there to “repair the couple” but to help him make the right decision, whatever it may be.

Delay decision

In the event of a major crisis, when communication is no longer possible and no solution can or can be found, it is okay to think of separation.

That being so, “anger is bad adviser”: it is better not to act in the fire of action, and decide to slam the door in full dispute. This important decision must be made at leisure, having carefully considered and weighed the pros and cons … Furthermore, if the separation is to take place, it is prepared and anticipate, especially if there are children Play …

If separation is inescapable

Separation is a serious decision and causes trauma even if it is taken by agreement. If despite the attempts of each and the efforts to rebuild the couple have remained in vain, if the desire to be two is no longer there, the separation remains the best thing to consider.

From this point of view, one can “succeed” his separation. To separate does not necessarily mean tearing apart, it can be done in mutual respect and exchange.

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