Couple: how to overcome infidelity?: Intellectually, one sometimes gets to understand the small gap of the conduct of his partner. Effectively, it is another matter … Why this pain so intense, can we overcome it? Explanation and advice.
I feel humiliated
Very often, the feeling of having been abused and belittled dominates: the ego is hit hard.
“The infidelity of the husband introduces a rivalry with another woman, the mistress. In a person whose self-esteem is poorly asserted, this can wreak havoc: I am less beautiful, less intelligent than I am, and I do not have much love. We are there in the register of the narcissistic wound “, underlines Serge Hefez, psychiatrist, and psychoanalyst.
Conclusion, if one suffers so much, it is because one tends to return one ‘s anger against oneself, to be drawn into this spiral of the devaluation of one’s image. Too bad, and sometimes even dangerous …
I am nothing
It happens that the “auto-flagellation” of the first times (a typical reaction when it is transient) settles in a more durable way. This time, it is no longer a small snag to the ego, but a real collapse of identity, sometimes with a serious depression at the key …
“Adultery reopens an old and profound wound: the fact of having been severely loved by a father, never recognized as a woman, always devalued by him. Alternatively, to have suffered the overwhelming rivalry of a mother or sister … Those who have managed to heal their wounds by gaining confidence and self-esteem in their conjugal relationship risk being destroyed by the betrayal of the spouse and To find without benchmarks “says Sylvain Mimoun.
Also, as soon as an infidelity makes us dangerously waver, do not hesitate to consult a specialist to ask for help!
I can not trust him anymore
In this pain there is also lots of disappointment: infidelity tramples the mutual trust on which the couple has built up.
“Suddenly the correctness and truth of the conjugal universe are tottering. If the infidel could tell that he was on a business trip to Belgium while he was in Avignon with his mistress, did he not lie to the rest? Everything is questioned: the love her husband says she is carrying, her willingness to invest in their relationship, “notes Serge Hefez. Most women have a full view of attachment; it is “all or nothing.” ”
I want him; I want to avenge myself
So much the better! “It is better to direct one’s anger toward the other than to turn it against oneself.
It is a very healthy reaction that allows us to eat narcissistically, “encourages Serge Hefez. Blame their partner is not to suffer this event passively, does not settle in a victim status and “poor” woman deceived. Vengeance is tempting, but be careful, cheating him in turn just to give him the change of his coin is not necessarily the winning solution. “If you do it without real desire, you risk damaging your self-image even more,” warns the specialist.
The law of retaliation is not always the solution; it is better to ask a crucial question: nevertheless I want my spouse, do I want to continue my journey with him? If so, the hour of forgiveness may have sounded. This is probably the best way to overcome his suffering, but not under any conditions.
I would like to forgive him
No confusion: forgive does not mean to forget, nor to erase the slate and continue as if nothing had happened!
“An infidelity is not only a personal matter concerning only the” deceiver .” This event very often constitutes an alarm signal, a message about the couple. It may be running out of steam, becoming unsatisfactory for one of the partners. So it is impossible to ignore a reflection to determine together how to evolve his marital relationship so that it is fulfilling for both.
“It is not uncommon for an infidelity to mark a new beginning for a couple! “Concludes Sylvain Mimoun. Real optimism, right?
They tell us
Laure, 33 years old, illustrator
“My husband deceived me with one of my friends. I knew absolutely nothing, and it was he who confessed to me, after having broken with her. He pretended not to bear this lie between us. In fact, I believe that his guilt was stifling him and he hoped for my absolution … which I did not manage to give him. I tried to pass on this incident of course because I believed in our couple and I loved my husband deeply. However, jealousy, the impossibility of restoring confidence to him, have spread to me like a poison. I had become pretty, unbearable, reproaching him for everything and his opposite. We ended up divorcing … ”
Martine, 48 years old, nurse
“My story can not be banaler: my husband, fifty, professor, came out with a 25-year-old student. As I suspected a little, I went to see his mails. I am not very proud of it, but I needed to know. That allowed me to have a discussion. Moreover, then I grasped how much my husband, apparently so sure of himself, was panic-stricken to grow old. I realized that this infidelity was, in fact, a bath of youth! It did not alleviate my pain, but it saved me from shattering everything. Curiously, the fact that it pleases a young girl has restored my desire for him, and it even boosted our sex life. Everything is wrong … “