The mystery, the fear, the adventure, the desire, the feeling to exist entirely: five criteria to help better define what is true love.
“But why do you stay with him (with her)? How many times have we asked this question to our friends stuck in painful stories? How many times have we wondered what drives them to persevere in unsatisfactory relationships? No, that is for sure, that is not it, love. What is it then? A feeling that would make us immutably happy?
Indeed not, psychoanalysis tells us. Love, the “true,” has nothing to do with serenity. Even after the beginning of the fusion of the beginnings, and contrary to what one could imagine, love is not pépère; It capsizes, it shakes, it binds us mysteriously to the other in an epic that escapes all rationality. Exploration of some revealing signs.
Find the other mysterious
Love is a mystery to those who live it, a mystery to those who watch it. We see, but we do not understand. Why ? Because what binds us to the other is inexplicable. To love truly is to go to someone, not only for his image (his beauty, his resemblance to such and such), nor for what he symbolizes ( father, a mother, power, money ), But for his secret. This secret that we can not name, and that will meet our own: a lack felt since childhood, a unique, indefinable suffering. “Love is addressed to our share of the unknown,” explains the psychoanalyst Patrick Lambouley.
There is a void within us that can cause our loss, causing us to kill ourselves. Well, love is the encounter of two wounds, two faults, sharing with someone of what we radically lack and that we can never say. True love is not “Show me what you have” or “Give me what you have to fill what I lack,” but rather “I like the way you try to heal, Your scar pleases me. ”
Nothing to do with the hypothesis of the “half orange” declination Banquet Plato (LGF, “The Pocket Book”), which would be incomplete because we halved. Love would then make us “one” and happy! “This is the cause of the forced bankruptcy of many couples,” observes Patrick Lambouley. When some people perceive that they are still feeling dissatisfied, they imagine that it is because they have not found the man or woman they “need,” and change. This is obviously not the case. To love is to say to the other: “You interest me. ”
Fear of losing it
To love is to be afraid. All the time. Freud, in Civilization and Its Discontents (1), explains: we become addicted because it will take the other we always support in existence. Hence the fear of losing it. Bright explanation of Monique Schneider (2), philosopher and psychoanalyst: “Love involves risk. It provokes a phenomenon of vertigo, sometimes even rejection: one can break love because one is too afraid, sabotage it while trying to confine, reduce its importance by attaching to an activity where everything rests On oneself. All this amounts to protecting ourselves from the excessive power of the other. ”
All the more so, Freud emphasizes, that Eros and Thanatos go hand in hand. I love you; I destroy you. Eros is our desire to bind ourselves lovingly to each other ?; Thanatos, it is the death instinct that drives us to break the bond so that our self-remains almighty. Love pushing out of oneself, the ego combats it. “It is hard to give up self, decrypts the psychoanalyst Jean-Jacques Moscovitz (3). One feels well when one likes that something draws us.
Love touches our being, what we are in the world. Few people realize this. They find themselves alone and feel good in this solitude since they are henceforth safe from this death instinct. However, when, in love, we have survived the tears and conflicts, we reach a formidable zone where the sentiment returns. True love is not a business contract: it is a strong feeling that puts both partners at risk. We must never forget it when we doubt when the other seems to “desert us.” “When someone defends himself,” says Monique Schneider, “that does not mean that he is not in love. He may just be afraid of getting his hands tied. ”
1. Civilization and Its Discontents Sigmund Freud (PUF).
2. Monique Schneider, author of The Cause love, Freud, Spinoza, Racine (Threshold).
3. Jean-Jacques Moskovitz, author of Hypothesis love (Calmann-Levy).
Accept to engage with him in the unknown
Nothing is written. The romanticism of the passion that would flame and then go towards a predictable extinction is a myth. Love does not systematically take the path of a declining slope. It can take a reverse route. We must accept to have no mastery over our feelings. “We do not enter a voluntarist or methodical universe, adds Monique Schneider. We can go through contrasting episodes. Crossing moments of ecstatic happiness make that one can then fall from very high, of course.
However, to be persuaded that love is never satisfied means that one has inherited the past that prevents us from believing in ourselves and the other. To love, one must almost feel in a kind of miracle. Freud speaks of a believing expectation. It is necessary to maintain the fire which can restart, not to demand immediate satisfaction. Accept the unknown, be patient …
No doubt: to love is to desire the other. Better confirms Jean-Jacques Moscovitz: “To have sex helps to love. Without real exchange, something in love does not happen. Love demands pleasure because there is desire. Moreover, the lovers who love each other know an additional enjoyment. The difference between the sexes vanishes in the report. One no longer knows who is the one and who is the other. The two are confused. There is disinvestment of the value of the organ. We are the body. It is an enjoyment that crushes. Without love, pleasure is seen as a way of getting rid of tension, whereas to enjoy in an emotion that emanates waves, vibrations, an intense experience, one must love: “In love, one Gets a different enjoyment, “adds Monique Schneider.
Does a decrease in desire mean disastrousness? Not at all: “There are moments of happiness where one is so happy that the other is what it is that one can simply be satisfied with the fact that it exists,” reminds Monique Schneider. Beyond these moments of contemplation, other women dissociate love and desire. “It is not that there are fewer feelings, develops Jean-Jacques Moscovitz. On the contrary. It is a bit like giving yourself too much was going to make them disappear. Here intervenes something of the child which is not regulated, an ideal of love much too anchored in the paternal model. They have become women and become little girls again: the relationship seems incestuous to them. The protective dimension takes over, perhaps to protect oneself from this fear of being dissolved in hand-to-hand combat. ”
These women take refuge in a love worshiper, defy the sexual relation, which must again be tame. They can then go through another form of physical relationship, that of the embrace: wrap the other, carry it as if it were inside oneself. Moreover, when envy returns, desire follows. Nothing fixed in these ebb and flow. Everything is coming and going.
“To be loved is to feel justified in existing,” said Sartre in substance. True love is this experience of legitimation to the world, this illusion that our love is unique. The other is the embodied ideal, and we exist through his gaze. Love gives us the status of a child convinced of his omnipotence, convinced that if he did not exist, the world would miss something. We went to each other.
This biblical theme of the Chosen, Freud takes it back to his account to distinguish true love from love charity turned towards the right. We invest the other. We recognize its fundamental importance: we believe it, we value it, we feel it is irreplaceable. We made a find, discovered a treasure. We are no longer alone.
The other also brings us his world, an opening towards other horizons, emotions that we did not perceive with the same intensity before. We are more “awakened.” We have the feeling of being sheltered since he knew how to discover us. “Loving intensifies our sense of existence,” concludes Monique Schneider.
==> How do you like? Do you live love rather in proximity or distance, in protection or need for support, in the patient acceptance of the other? To find out what profile you are closest to, answer the questions most sincerely.